I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
