i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
