I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
