I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
