I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
