I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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