And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
