So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
