Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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