my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She needs sedatives and a leash
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
