Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
