Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
