he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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