I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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