i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
