Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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