Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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