apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
