just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So apparently I’m into choking now
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
