In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
