1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
