She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
