Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
