Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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