So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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