You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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