Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
