I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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