My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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