I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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