Your mouth is God's brothel.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
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