good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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