The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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