Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
