I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
