Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
