who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
