I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
