I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
