I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
