This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
