i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
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I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
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True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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