if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
