I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
