Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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