She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
