every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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