my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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