fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Randomize
