wakey wakey hands off snakey
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
