Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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