We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
