Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
