A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
