Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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