There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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