got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
