I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
