After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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