Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
